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Talk:Hidden In Fire/@comment-1839575-20111203213104
Ok. Sniffmas and Tigerstripe both need to change things in their chapters, otherwise I'll change it for them. Kay, guys? ASAP, please. I want to get on with the writing. Firstly, I don't want any more flashbacks, and I'd like to take the flashbacks out of your chapters. I would have told you if I wanted some in there - the only reason I don't want any is because I feel all this harking back to the fire is dragging the story down. We've had enough memories of it - let's move on. First, Sniffmas. The fire has practically ended by the time your chapter starts, so you don't need to write anything about that. Your chapter starts when a patrol of cats, consisting of Dewfur, Bramblepath, Birdsong and Tigerstripe arrive in front of Shimmerpaw. She can't just join them knowingly without saying anything - naturally there would be introductions, explanations, and maybe a little arguing between Bramblepath and Birdsong about whether or not they should keep looking or go back to the barn. (If you read my chapter, you should know who wants to do what). Some flaws - I don't think Shimmerpaw would take some herbs. She doesn't have pockets, and they're mostly useless after a massive fire has just swept through all the territories. Besides, she'd have to carry them in her mouth for ages to reach the barn. Oh, and another thing - she's already deep into WindClan territory - not too far from the barn. Thirdly, this is years and years after the original books. Mentioning Hawkfrost (and this goes for you too, Tigerstar) or anyone else from that time is really quite unnessecary, since they've just faded into oblivion by now. They're not even the stuff of legend anymore. And I don't think an apprentice can have a mate. Also, you are supposed to ask me if you want Breezewing to be alive at all after your chapter, because the whole point is each person only has one cat. Also, Shimmerpaw needs to tell the story about seeing a Clanmate murdered by a strange cream-and-brown tom, and being caught and pinned down by a pale grey tom, with him saying he's supposed to kill her but then letting her go. Okay? She needs to tell the story in a very scary way, too. Tigerstar - your chapter did get the things I requested done, so that's very good. Again, I'd prefer no more flashbacks, and Tigerstripe being related to Tigerstar is unnessecary. She can be shunned by her Clan for other reasons, if you want her to be lonely. Your chapter begins with Tigerstar in the barn. Again, I need some talking in your chapter - they are in the barn, talking about Shimmerpaw's story, and trying to work out what these cats could possibly want. Blackpaw suggests that maybe they were the ones who started the fire, but everyone else scorns him a bit, saying no, of course not, etc. So he goes and sulks, cos he hates bossy cats. Then, Tigerstripe says she has to go out and look for her mate. Everyone else says no, she can't it's too dangerous, and she gets angry and starts yelling, before running out anyway. That's when she sees the prophecy. After the prophecy, she wakes up and asks what happened, and Birdsong explains that she fainted after yelling about needing to find her mate. Even though she doesn't say it, Birdsong is clearly worried about Tigerstripe's health. Okay? Now, I need both of you to edit your chapters as soon as you can. I am giving you one day to do it (my time) and then I will do it myself, okay? And when it comes to your next chapters (which is soon) please try and follow as closely as you can the instructions I gave. Thanks.